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The Snark’s guide to being suave and debonair. 1/27/2006

A young man who works with me asked me for my advice today. He’s in his very early twenties, and just starting out on his career. He comes from out of state, and likes motorcycles (a plus point in my book), and listens to Green Day (not my cup of tea). He’s also been hankering after one of my bikes, asking me if I would sell it to him on easy payments, without interest, to which I replied to him that I wasn’t Santa Claus.

Anyhow, this yound chap came to me this morning, and sat down at my desk, and asked me for some advice. He had apparently met this young lady over the internet, and she had asked to meet him. And this was going to be his first real date, i.e. there was some romantic involvement here, and he was wanting to make a good impression on her. So he came to me, as someone purportedly older and wiser, to seek some pearls of wisdom. I hesitated at this. My particular dating style can be a little scary for some ladies, especially those who were not used to the Continental way of doing things. He implored me to tell him what to do, because he really wanted to impress this girl, so I caved in.

I distilled some of the things that have worked for me in the past, and I knew that women liked. And so I gave him a few pointers.

1. Don’t be late. Ever. If you’re late for a date, you are screwed, big time, especially on a first date. It would be better to arrive early, and drive round the block a few times, just so that you are there on time. At which point, you will now have to wait a half hour before she is ready. If so, don’t frown. Smile at her like you’ve been waiting for her the whole day. Which you probably have.

2. Clean your car. Always. Nothing turns a girl off more than having to get into a car which looks like it was last cleaned just before Noah closed the doors to the Ark. Especially if her dress sticks to the car seat. If needs must, rent a car. And stow away the heavy metal and techno tapes. Have something nice to listen to, like Jason Mraz, or jazz classics with vocals like Billie Holliday. And using a motorcycle for a first date only works for a certain type of lady, who is worth her weight in gold. Keep the bike at home, and save that for dates when the two of you really know each other.

3. Make sure the car is in good condition and fuelled. When a girl gets into your car, she expects everything to go smoothly. Nothing will piss her off more than having to help you push your car to the side of the road while she’s wearing her $200 designer miniskirt and high heels in the pouring rain.

4. Choose a restaurant wisely. Never ever take a first date to a restaurant that both of you are going to for the first time, more so when you have no clue what’s on the menu. Don’t take her to Hooter’s either. Or a restaurant where there’s a big screen TV over the bar and the waiters wear beach sandals. Chose a place where you’ve been to before, and has a fairly wide selection of food to cater to most tastes. And chose a place which is reasonably. The two of you are on a date to get to know each other better, not have to shout your lungs out just to make conversation. Needless to say, first dates do not happen in fast food restaurants.

5. If you’re a young man on a tight budget, make sure you have enough funds to cover the entire night. She might be just friends, but girls like being pampered, and paying for the dinner is the mark of being suave. If she offers to split the bill, decline politely, saying that it was your pleasure, and tell her she can get the next one. Which leaves the door open for a second date, if you so wish. But don’t allow her to pay for the second date either. You might as well learn now that women are expensive.

6. Offer to take her out for drinks and dancing after. If she declines, there’s no loss. If she says yes, she either likes you, or she wants to milk you for everything you’ve got. If she gets to the club, and immediately disappears with her friends, and only comes back to you to get her glass re-filled, write the date of as a total loss. Don’t let your date get drunk. Which is not the easiest thing in the world to do. On the other hand, she might be so drunk, she won’t remember any details of the night.

7. On the way home, she will usually make it very clear if she would like to see you again. If she holds your hand while driving, you’ve got it made, because she enjoyed the night, and would like a repeat. If, on the other hand, she doesn’t make conversation with you, and stays on the far side of the seat, you should send her home as quickly as possible. If she asks you if you’d like to come in, you have a choice of saying yes, telling her that you’re only interested in sex, or saying no, telling her you are not interested in sex with her. You might as well confirm her impression of men and go in and bonk her silly anyway. If she makes no indication of inviting you in, then say good night, and offer your hand. She may consent to a kiss on the cheek. Whatever you do, don’t try to turn your head and jam your tongue down her throat.

8. Send flowers the next day, even if you didn’t score, the date was a disaster, and she doesn’t like your face. It’s a way of thanking her for her time. And it’s very cool to do so, because all women love getting flowers, more so when there isn’t an occassion for it.

And there you have it, some basic rules for dating a girl for the first time. I wish to emphasise that all information given above is on an “as is” basis, and I will not be held liable for anything that may occur after, such as slaps in the face, weddings, pregnancies and the like.

• Posted in : General
• Author : thesnark

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